brain fog

long-covid really sucks

i've somehow gotten covid three times. the first was in feb/march 2020 when everyone was claiming it couldn't possibly be in the states yet. we know that wasn't the case now, and working at a global business with folks who traveled internationally on the reg meant i somehow picked it up. i know who gave it to me... boomer lady that came in sick all the time bc using sick-days was a sign of weakness or something. i was out for over a month, mostly bedridden. sitting up took so much effort that even going to the bathroom felt like running a mile. i quit that job when they tried to force everyone back to work in august 2020 due to "productivity" dips.

i sorta bounced back from that first one with minimal issues. at the time it didn't feel that way, but after the second one where the long-covid symptoms cranked up to 11, i would love to go back to those initial bouts of fatigue and soreness. after visiting family for the holidays in 2021, i got sick again and while the time with covid wasn't as terrible, i never recovered. brain fog has followed me ever since, my asthma is always a cough or two away from needing my inhaler, and it kicked some unknown auto-immune issues into high gear.

the third time was recently, when derp and i celebrated our bdays + anniversary at a local pool suite place. our room was in its own building basically, with an indoor pool, and we barely left to do anything. it was a staycation. but we both caught covid and last november/december was a wash. this time, coming out of it mainly fucked with my sleep schedule and amped my sensory issues to the max. audio processing was never great, but i swear that folks are talking more like the adults in Peanuts than ever before. when that's at its worst while my brain fog is heavy i am utterly useless.

recently its been impacted work more than usual... this mostly comes when i need to think and talk on a call. its just not possible anymore. if i don't have time to plan/prep then we might as well have a one-sided meeting and i can follow-up once my brain has time to process what it heard (or saw me typing like a dictation program).

i keep going to the doctor hoping to get some sort of help, but so far i just collect more diagnoses for whats wrong. POTS, dysautonamia, paresthesia, insomnia, depersonalization... but so far, nothing to help or fix things.

i've more or less come to terms with my "new normal" and am lucky that the career i'm in allows me the freedom and flexibility to work how/when i can. but i feel like a failure more often than not. adults don't need 4 naps a day to get through a single workday; but i do. and maybe i just always will from now on?

i literally had to stop and re-read this post bc i just dissociated for a good 10min and snapped back to reality with no clue what i was writing. so i guess i'll finish this up by saying the following: don't just accept you'll catch covid repeatedly like the cold. don't stop masking, distancing, or washing your hands because its annoying. at some point, future you will look back and wonder why life got so difficult when it didn't need to be.

i did everything i could to protect myself and those around me and am still in this situation. at least i can look back and know that i tried to protect myself; it was others who decided that their comfort was a higher priority than my health.

people suck. #hermitlife

07.13.2023 / the ether