paradigm shift

2022 is the end of an era

i've been with my partner almost 10 years; actually feburary 23, 2023 would have been a decade on the nose. but we're separating as we head into 2023... getting a divorce after being married for 5 years (3 of which were during this fucking pandemic) and trying to figure out how to split up our home and cats fairly. they're still my best, or maybe only, friend... but as i've been slowly starting the process of unmasking since my autism diagnosis it became clear that a lot of our struggles came from this small but important fact: they fell for the mask, and not only was it broken, but it isn't coming back.

i feel responsible about that but know it's a coping mechanism not an act i was putting on. to survive in the world of allistics, i had to put on an act to keep from being ostracized. i've been teased and bullied all throughout my life for things i didn't understand, and to cope and avoid those things in the future... i built up a mask to avoid it happening again.

one of the constant sources of teasing as a kid came from my clothing. i never seemed to match and was always wearing things that weren't in style. by high school my solution was to wear plain tees and chuck taylors that matched, with black or gray dickies instead of jeans. you couldn't get a ticket from the "fashion police" if you matched and didn't stand out. they would find someone else to pick on.

a lesson i learned from my parents at a young age, was to act like insults were funny to you and let them roll off your back instead of stab into your chest. 30 years later, and i still can't take a compliment without making it into a joke, and i always disparage myself before anyone else gets the chance. if you can make it funny, they can't use it to hurt ya.

but that's no way to live... its exhausing, depressing, and chock full of self-hatred.

and there's no way to have a relationship built on those type of foundations. its not just sand, but quicksand. everything and everyone involved gets pulled under the surface. no matter how hard you try to stay afloat, every bit of effort pulls you deeper.

i hope they can find someone that meets their needs because i couldn't. i hope they find someone that makes them happy now and forever. someone that isn't a broken mess of comorbid conditions... or if they are, at least someone that understands that already, and knows how to cope and be there for someone else.

unmasking is selfish and destructive and difficult as hell. i wish i could have met them as a real person instead of a taped together mask of one... but hopefully we stay in touch and can find a way to be part of each others lives as friends. if nothing else, i'll be online as usual.

12.31.2022 / the void