...time...

what are you exactly?

i've never been good at planning for things that were more than a few days away. the logical part of me assumed it was because there are too many variables between now and that future date, so why sink time into that probably unrealistic imaginary date? spend it here, right now, instead! and for the most part that's worked pretty well.

the microcausm of college is a great place to explore for more details on this strategy...

A) i chose a college based on knowing people that already went there. it happened to be my girlfriend and her friends at the time, but it was a small liberal arts college, with a cute campus, and what seemed like a cool culture. we broke up before i got there, but it was a great environment for me. small enough to not vanish in the crowd, big enough to not feel like losers.

B) picking a philosophy major was not about a future career, but about feeding a current obsession; i knew i could do the work to graduate in that program because i cared about the material. my original plan, however, was creative writing (poetry and short-fiction was my obsession in high school). after it was reduced to a minor i knew i couldn't stay in the english department because i despised the literature courses (and their professors) which were waiting for me. there's no way i'd have made it out alive.

C) once there i decided to never leave the freshmen mens dorm, because after that first year i couldn't imagine joining all the upperclassmen in theirs. so, i became a resident assistant which (to my surprise, honestly) came with free room, board, and books! it wasn't part of the plan, but it saved me from a boatload of debt that i would never be able to wrap my head around.

i could continue, but i think you get the picture... what should have been huge decisions were made flippantly compared to those of my classmates. they chose this college for a reason (eg: it fed into masters or doctorate program at more prestigous institutions). they were worried about keeping a certain GPA and joined clubs to show they weren't just a book nerd but a well-rounded student. meanwhile, i just wanted to understand the material we were reading (grades be damned) and joined the clubs that interested me (radio and newspaper). because i hung out in the radio station a lot, and picked up all the odd-jobs to get time in the editing bays, they offered me a position as the stations "music director" in only my second semester.

to the outside observer, i know it looks like opportunities fall into my lap and i just go with the flow. but in reality, i try to put myself where i have a strong interest, immerse myself in those worlds, and when chances open up i volunteer to help. it's lead to me being overworked and underpaid in the professional world, but it''s also been why i've gotten out from under those oppressive jobs/bosses because i've never been afraid to just apply if the job description interests me.

however, i'm almost 37 and a lot of bigger decisions need to happen soon. will we have kids or adopt or foster? will we stay in this house for 30 years so we actually own a piece of property? am i saving for retirement in the right ways or at the right amounts? i have no clue how to even start breaking these questions down to the individual parts my brain needs to function. they're all so much bigger than my 3 day understanding of time.

they're all so far beyond tomorrow... where do you even start?

10.31.2022 / today, not yesterday (or tomorrow)