autieversary

(but very late)

a year and a half ago, i saught out an official diagnosis to see if i was really on the spectrum. as with most late diagnosed (dx) adults, it wasn't my idea... instead, it grew from a seed planted by a loved one who was struggling to maintain a fairly one-sided relationship with me.

other partners had assigned me labels me in the past, but none of theirs stuck or felt right... sure, some of that might be due to the fact they were doing so on the way out the door, mid break-up. but others came later, so i got to process it without the simultaneous heart-break. yes, i am probably a little adhd... but am i a sociopath? i didn't want to think so. was i selfish? most definitely, although not usually on purpose. am i an asshole? i don't mean to be, but sometimes, i guess, yeah.

but this was different. they weren't telling me so much as asking me... "i think you're maybe autistic...?"

my default reaction to most things is NO, so i followed that trend and denied it outright. it didn't fit, mainly because my idea of autism was based on a kid we knew growing up who was non-verbal/non-speaking, had loud (sometimes violent) meltdowns, and who's mom is definitely wearing puzzle pieces in my memory. and that's not me! so how could i be autistic?

it ate away at me though, and i finally talked to my therapist about it whose concensus was "you're too independent and high functioning" which was the answer i needed to hear... i went looking for autism tests online almost immediately.

you might blame that on anti-authority sentiment which runs deep in my veins, and it probably played a role, but i was also unhappy with them. i'd started seeing her due to panic attacks that would send me home from work shivering, dry heaving, and migraining so hard that the auras might have been closer to hallucinations. i didn't just want a bunch of pills thrown my direction, so i went to talkspace first to try and work through what might be happening. her suggestions did nothing for me.

i was already meditating regularly thanks to an interest in buddhism. i knew coping methods like applying ice-packs to pressure points or dunking your face in cold water to "reset" your brain. i took regular walks at work to get away from the stress of my cubicle. i napped over most lunches and had cut caffeine from my diet. and worst of all, i couldn't answer her questions or finish her "homework" because i didn't know how i felt or why, and i don't remember most of my childhood (or life tbh). so hearing her say no, felt like a strong indicator towards yes.

i found the resources, took the quizzes, read autie blogs and articles... all signs pointed to yes. but i didn't trust myself, so i retook the quizzes with my partners help, to make sure i wasn't being untruthful; and still got a strong yes.

on the AQ-10, anything above a 6 points to autism; i scored a 10. on the full AQ, where anything over 32 is a strong indicator, I got a 45. my empathy quotient was super low (13), my systemizing quotient was super high (94), i was definitely was struggling with alexithymia (inability to identify & describe emotions)... and perhaps the last blow was my RAADS-R score of 206. still not entirely convinced, i kept reading and second-guessing and self-doubting until finally i just looked to see if there was a person who would test adults near me and it turned out there was and my insurance covered it! and for something like $190 they told me what the internet already had for free... i am autistic as fuck.

i've spent the last year trying to understand what that means, and keep having flashbacks to obviously autistic moments in my past. i know the big thing is to figure out how to unmask, and what self-care looks like for me. so far, i know that cutting off external stimuli helps a ton, and have invested in ear-defenders, headphones, and eye-masks for basically every spot in the house.

as for what's after that? i don't know. maybe finding some other adult auties to befriend? or to just sink my teeth into the special interests i've so far kept from fully consuming my life? i've got the rest of my life to work on all that i guess.

so here's to one year down as an autistic adult. it's been weird and confusing but feels a lot better than where i was before this.

09.21.2022 / the downward spiral