memorial day

"are you estupido?" "...si"

I wish I had a better grasp on how my brain works. I've tried explaining it to a million people for years on end (friends, family, doctors, therapists), but somehow didn't get diagnosed as autistic until 35. For example...

My memory is shot full of holes... remembering a random factoid, lyric, or quote from decades ago is simple, but trying to recall what I did last week results in a headache. Recollection of of my childhood is almost entirely from stories I've been told by family. Phone numbers are in my Contacts app and not at all memorized. And issues with object permenance make it hard to be organized in a "traditional" way; if the drawer isn't clear, everything inside it may as well not exist. But tasks I can drill into muscle memory will stick like super-glue; that's how I can solve a 3x3 Rubik's cube in 22s fairly consistently.

My concept of time is also... an issue. I know how it's supposed to work in theory, but my experience is inconsistent at best. If I'm interested in what's going on, time moves quickly and slips by with ease. If I'm uninterested, it grinds to a hault and proceeds at a snails pace. If something's triggering, I dissociate and lose large chunks of time. When I sleep, I rarely dream and always wake up tired, so it feels like someone choose to "jump chapters" instead of fast-forwarding.

(Thinking about it further, I take it back; I don't understand time in theory either. It's based on the speed at which our tiny speck of debris spins in the vastness of space, while rotating around a flaming ball of plasma? That means everywhere has it's own experience of time. Every planet is unique. Every asteroid and comet outside of time itself. Not only would language be a barrier to meeting an alien race, but the mere concept of time.)

Emotions are another tough spot... I understand about half of the smallest circle on those "emotion wheels" but the second tier and further just seems made up. On most I've seen some version of the following at the center: mad, sad, scared, peaceful, joyful, powerful. But to me, the center is neutral and the next tier surrounding it is: mad, sad, glad, confused. Everything else feels like a synonym of those five. I know others have much more granularity, and claim to experience much more, but it's perplexing at best (ie: confused).

All of this (and more) adds up to feeling like an alien hiding amidst mankind. But I don't get superpowers or anything fun... I'm just a lonely speck of dust in a vast, uncaring universe which will carry on with or without me.

But I feel different around you...

I've spent so much time today sorting through a mess in my brain, trying to find the note that I lost so I won't fuck up again. Maybe I didn't understand the reasons or misinterpreted what I heard.

Or maybe, as I've been told by ex-friends and past partners, I'm selfish and chose not to remember/care. I don't know.

What I do know is that I grew up hearing mom call me "idget" after the tiniest mistake, misunderstanding, or annoyance. I remember tearing up report cards because, while my little brother is a "genius," I barely passed science, math, and language classes from middle school through college. Even when I try to do better, I still hear my own voice calling me stupid, dummy, and idiot a dozen times a day.

So, yeah... soy estupido.

But it doesn't mean I'm not sorry and it doesn't mean I can't do better. As I often heard growing up, I "may not be as smart, but [I'm] a hard worker." And us? This? It's definitely worth working for.

05.30.2022 / lukewarm bathtub, upstairs